Shattered
by Notus Lethe
Summary: Excerpt from story: "I felt nothing. Nothing.... Is that better or worse than wanting to die?" Basically some Meiling angst with a cameo from Syaoran (Li) Enjoy!


This is directly after the episode where Sakura captured the Fire Card (and I mean the episode hasn't even ended yet). And if you didn't know, in the Japanese version of Card Captor, Syaoran (Li) and Meiling (Meilin ick) are cousins *_and_* their engaged. That's pretty much all you need to know to read this story. It's from Meiling's POV and rather depressing. That's probably why it has this rating. Just to let you know, I'm having an epic Card Captor story coming soon, so watch for it! Oh yes, CC doesn't belong to me (I would like Syaoran however) and the book mentioned in here "The Ice Palace" doesn't belong to me either. So don't flip out. 

Shattered  
By:[ *~Charisma~*][1]

____________________________________  
_if I was safe in my own skin,   
then I wouldn't feel lost and  
so frightened  
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin   
And I'm so lonely   
I don't even want to be with myself anymore  
I just want to feel safe in my own skin,   
I just want to be happy again._

Dido- 'Honestly Ok'

I was talking, although I'm not positive what about. That's what happens to me a lot. I'll just talk about anything, anything to make the silence go away. His hand was clutched in mine, unresponsive and limp. But I held it anyway. It was rare occasions when he'd allow me to hold his hand for long periods of time. My own brain cut through my chatter and noticed his distraction.

"Are you even listening?" He looked over at me, startled out of where ever he had been. Usually I didn't bother to make sure he was listening. However, he took it in stride and nodded reassuringly, giving my hand a squeeze so I would know for sure that he was utterly sincere.

"Uh huh." My mouth continued on the topic I had started on but my eyes were watching him. There wasn't really anything to be jealous about; he was just looking at the snow. I peered at the snow: something was amiss. It wasn't white but a sparkling gold. My mind, filled with knowledge that I'd accumulated over the years trying to know as much about magic as any card captor, identified the snow as residue from Seal Guardians. I dropped the hand I was holding and ceased my chattering, moving towards the opposite window. The entire cabin was composed of entirely windows, but the snow' seemed to fall mostly on that side.

My companion sat still as I stared entranced out the window. The tiny capsule we were in shook as someone on either side of the Ferris wheel moved too much. I glanced next to our compartment and was shocked to see Sakura. She was smiling and jumping and pointing at the snow to her tall friend, the one whose name I always forget. The only other person in my cabin seemed to notice my shock for he called my name.

"Meiling? What's wrong?" I turned, watching him give me those deep brown eyes that flickered gold. To him I offered a smile and grabbed his proffered hand, sitting again and running my mouth. Whether it's a gift or a curse to be able to talk without end I'll never know. He didn't look at me again, staring straight ahead or occasionally glancing over at the cabin next to us.

I would like to say I didn't notice. That it didn't hurt he kept looking at her. That in fact, I was just trying to make the best out of a bad situation (our engagement). That I wasn't really in love with him. That I didn't get horribly jealous because I was secure in the fact that he loved me back. But I can't say any of that. Deep inside, my heart broke again, shattered. Pieces were broken beyond recognition already and every time something happened, it went farther.

I wanted to grab my head and curl into a tiny ball, hide in the darkest corner I could find and cry.

Die.

Same thing.

But my voice continued on as my mind left. A dream I have more than usual is being magical. Being a card captor and proving to him that I was the best out there and worthy of being with him. Having all these dreams results in nightmares right? No, I never have nightmares.

I live my nightmare.

Somehow, my voice decided that without any heart it didn't feel like talking. And he had noticed, calling my name repeatedly and shaking me. I still was holding his hand and it felt cold, distant, nothing.

"What?" I didn't want to look into his eyes, to see that he'd rather be sometimes glancing at her than dealing with his petulant cousin. But I looked anyway, because I couldn't go long without getting my fix. Weird huh? I'm addicted to him. Addicted.

Addictions can kill you. Will. Will kill you.

"I asked if you were ok. I lost you." He talks more with me than with her. I gloat over that and hold it close to my heart, pretending that it's only one of the many facts that proves he likes me over her. But the way the corner of his eyes jump and move just solidifies the fact that he wants to look at her. Might as well milk as much attention as I can get from him.

"I'm not ok. I don't feel well. Something's making me sick." I got his full attention and something inside me was having a party. He was concentrated on me. He was concerned about me. He really isn't into public displays of emotion, but he put a hand to my forehead.

"What is it?" He was willingly touching me. I swooned and the movement reflected on my body. His arms came around my waist, concern blatant on his face. "I think we're stuck up here. But we'll go home when we get down ok?"

I shook my head. He'd be angry with me then. If I took him away from her prematurely. I shook my head harder and reveled in the feel of his hands on me. I shook my head one last time and rolled my shoulders, becoming the hard and sometimes cruel Meiling that was always ready to perform her façade for everyone. "No, I don't want to ruin it for you. It's just being up here for so long. I'll be fine when we get back on the ground."

He was staring at me too long. Plus, his hands were still touching me and his body language was suggesting that something was bothering him. I'd learned everything about Li Syaoran in the many years I knew him before now and I could read him like a book. He was troubled.

We took our respective places on the seats again as the ride started up and the wheel turned. Funny how a stupid Ferris wheel will reflect life.

Together would we be for a short amount of time, then he'd grow tired of my shadowing and lavishing him with too much love and leave. A little while would pass before I'd follow and he'd be indifferent for a while before being my cousin that I could banter with and love. But soon, he'd grow tired of me and he'd leave. And it would start all over. Yet there were moments, like when the cabin was stuck at the top and you could look at the entire city, relishing in the beauty. It was then that he'd show that he tolerated me, and he actually cared, maybe even more than I thought.

The ride started up again and I couldn't stand it. I hated when he pushed me away and I hate that he loves her having just been with her for a few months while he can't even stand to look at me for too long and we've known each other for years upon years.

"Sai-chan?" He looked over at me with wide eyes. It's been years since I called him that. When I was little, I couldn't pronounce him name so I nicknamed him that. He hated and loved it at the same time, allowing only me to call him that. If anyone else tried, he'd bristle and refuse to talk to them. And I'll admit it; it felt good to do something that no one else could. Even her.

I don't know what I expected when I said that. In fact, I don't know what I was going to say after that.

"Meiling, you know I don't hate you right?" The cabin right behind us was letting people out and I could see Sakura and her friend's feet above us. Above me.

Would Sakura always be above me? Would she always hold all the cards (Isn't it good to know I can be punny in the middle of a meltdown)? Sakura was here, in Tokyo before me. It seems like she did everything before me. Got her powers, captured many cards, made Syaoran love her.

I looked back at him, his gold brown eyes shimmering in the wintry light. His eyes looked absolutely wonderful right then and I tried to capture that memory, where he was trying to make me feel better although he wasn't sure why and his eyes were almost glowing with the need for me to know that. The door opened to our cabin and I brushed past him, getting out as quick as possible. I was practically running and he grabbed my wrist.

"Meiling!" I was breathing hard for some reason, the fog of my breath clear in the stark air. I flexed the fingers that were caught in his hand. Contrary to popular belief, I was a much better fighter than Syaoran. I could have him on his back with his own sword pointed at his throat before he could say my name again. Instead, I let him capture me and hold me in that position. Like I could ever hurt the person I loved more than anything in the entire world.

"I know you don't hate me Syaoran." Then I said it. The thing I'd never say because I promised myself it wasn't worth the answer. Faking it was much more productive then killing myself when I knew the truth. "But do you love me?"

His mouth opened and closed, grip on my wrist got tighter. The words floated in the air around us and I wanted to grab them, to rip them from the sky and shove them back in my throat so he wouldn't have to answer them. I really didn't want to know. My little dream of maybe him loving me someday even a fraction as much as I him was about to be shattered into a million pieces, mirroring my heart.

My worthless and pitiful heart. Maybe it deserves to die.

Maybe _I_ deserve to die.

I close my eyes and feel the tingling in the back of them. Cry. I'm going to cry with no real reason yet. _You have a very good reason_, something in my head mutters back. Finally, he frees me and backs up a centimeter. I wonder if he knows that he's just released a girl who's going to go kill someone.

Me.

"Of course I love you Meiling. You're my cousin." Wow. He managed to find exactly the right words to be said in this situation. He wasn't denying that he loved me yet he was in that it wasn't in the way I wanted it to be. Strangely enough, I didn't feel like dying. I didn't feel my heart shatter into ten million pieces. I didn't have an urge to kill Sakura. In fact I felt nothing.

Nothing

Is that better or worse than wanting to die?

I don't know.

"Good. I'm still not feeling that well Syaoran. I'm going to go home. Why don't you join up with Sakura?" I could hear how fake my words were but there was something in the undertone, a nothingness that frightened me and perhaps Syaoran as well. He looked as if he was going to protest until I mentioned Sakura. He nodded and turned to leave before looking back once more, practically fidgeting with whether to go or not to.

"Are you sure Meiling?" The question of the day. Of course I wasn't sure. I had just been blown to Mars and back and he expected me to know where I was and to be ok with where ever that happened to be?

"Yes. I will see you at home." He left and I stood. I didn't really know where I wanted to go. Home wasn't looking to good but there wasn't anywhere else to go. I walked slowly, perhaps the slowest I've ever walked in my life.

There was nothing in my head. It was empty of any emotion or thoughts about what happened. I was nothing now. Not even a shattered soul. Just nothing.

I went to his room first and collected an outfit of clothing and a book from one of his shelves, a favorite that was well thumbed. Then it was to my room, locking the door and dressing in his clothes. It's not a ritual that I perform often, only times when I feel really distant from Syaoran. I think right then was as distant as I could ever get.

But even wearing his clothes and feeling his essence embracing me, I was nothing. Everything seemed like it was miles away and nothing actually existed. Wei called to me, asking me if I had fun at the fair or if I was hungry or if I wanted four purple elephants. Something along those lines. My voice responded by itself and I was still lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling with Syaoran's book clutched to my chest. He kept his cards in the book although it wasn't hollow. It was just his favorite story. I found it odd that he liked it. It was about two girls and an ice palace. But he once told me that that's not the real story. I read it and, it isn't.

I threw the book across the room, hearing it _thunk_ against the wall with a satisfying sound and the fluttering of the cards as they drifted to the ground.

My whole life is based around my arranged marriage to Syaoran. I tried to be the best magician for him, tried to be the smartest person for him, tried to love him as much as I could. None of it turned out to work. It was all worthless sap wasted on someone who didn't want it.

Syaoran was at the fair with Sakura. My biggest rival ever. He had liked girls before and I took them out without a fight but her she was going to be too hard. I turned onto my stomach and tried to cry, tried to let all that was inside spill out and be happy.

But that's the problem when you're empty, there's nothing to spill out.

Email me [(angelfire2996@yahoo.com][2]) or say it in the pretty review box below. You know you like it and you want to use it. ^^*

   [1]: mailto:angelfire2996@yahoo.com
   [2]: mailto:(angelfire2996@yahoo.com



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